It was a high voltage atmosphere at the otherwise dignified board room.
Jatin was fuming in anger as he said: “I am very disappointed in you Aditi. I put complete faith in you and you,….you let me down! Tell me, How on earth could you even let this happen? I have built this organization with great care and hard work. I cannot let weaklings ruin it. This time around I am letting you go, but the next time it could turn costly for you.”
Sumit looked up to Jatin and spoke empathetically, “Jatin do consider that Aditi has always given us high quality deliveries on time. Also, I believe that you should speak to her with some respect. After all, she is a lady.”
“It is immaterial to me Sumit. I am not speaking to a woman or a man right now. I am speaking to my employee and the one, from whom I had high expectations. But I feel deceived and I really don’t like this feeling. I am just making myself clear. I am not here to cater to emotional fools like Aditi.”
Completing his tirade against Aditi, Jatin stood up, adjusted the buttons of his coat and left without even a glance at Aditi.
One by one, people left the meeting room, starting with Sumit, who smiled weakly at Aditi before he left. Aditi and Tanya were the last to leave.
Tanya tagged along Aditi who took a turn towards the ladies room. As they reached the washroom, Aditi tapped Tanya’s shoulder lightly. This was a cue for Tanya and she understood that Aditi wanted some time alone. She nodded and turned around towards the foyer.
Once alone, Aditi reflected upon the recent happenings . She was managing the project well. Things were on track, targets were being met. She was confident that go-live would be smooth and on time. But then, two of her key designers fell sick. She still could have managed to pull through the project but her project lead lost his mother a few days afterwards. Having lost her father, she knew what losing a parent meant. She approved his leaves without asking a question. However, there was nothing Aditi could do to salvage the project now. And Unlike the other managers she never had the habit of transferring the blame on her juniors. It was her responsibility, her decision and her failure. Her failure as a Project Manager , yes, but as a human being , no.
Aditi splashed some water on her face and after a few moments, splashed some more of it. Drops of water clung all over face. The tears were no longer discernible.
She patted her face with a paper towel and her soul with comforting thoughts. She patted herself once more for being brave and keeping her tears to herself, as always.
That one incident in her first year at college made her make her take the decision to never show her be in control of her tears.
It was her design exam. She hardly had 5 minutes left to submit her design. The external layout was complete but the interiors were not. She leaned on her drafting boarding at the college studio and continued with her last minute attempts to draw interior plan for the leftover spaces. The invigilator hovered around her desk.
“Only a minute left. Please wind up. Remove your A1 sheet from the board , sign it and submit it. Fast !” He said in an authoritative tone.
Aditi Nodded.
The invigilator provided a similar warning to two other students, Karan and Mansi who, like her had not finished yet.
The time was up.
When the invigilator came by, Aditi handed over her still incomplete design.
The invigilator moved on to the Karan, who grimaced but handed over his design sheet albeit unwillingly.
Next, he moved on to Mansi.
“Sir, Just one more minute. Please sir. Please.” said Mansi while not looking up and still working on her drafting board.
“No no . Time is up. Please give me your sheet”
“Sir Please. Pleaseeeeee.”
Some sobs from Mansi and a few minutes of silence from Invigilator.
“Okay. Okay. Don’t Cry. Wind up fast.”
After the Invigilator left, Mansi came rushing to Aditi and said “Aditi ! you are so foolish”
“Why ?”
“You submitted your incomplete design. You could have cried like me to get some extra time. “
She exclaimed proudly.
“You cried deliberately?” said Aditi in disbelief.
“Ofcourse .”
“But this is akin to Cheating Mansi !” shrieked Aditi.
“Shh….Cool down first. Now Aditi, come on, we are girls. The society has long victimized us. It’s time we play it smartly. What’s wrong to shed a few tears to get things done? People have a soft corner for the weak. It makes them feel like a Knight in shining armor to rescue a damsel in distress. It’s a win-win situation.”
If anything, Mansi’s point of view was revolting to Aditi. She never thought that people could be like that.
This was some skewed thinking. This was wrong. People who do believe in themselves don’t resort to such tactics. She had made her way up to one of the top colleges by her sheer hard work and hard work is enough. It always was and always would be. Okay, life is sometimes tough for womenfolk but that makes them stronger. Adversities make you learn and grow, they don’t entitle you to privileges.
And that day Aditi promised herself something.
If tears make one appear weak and vulnerable, if tears are used as a tool to gain sympathy, if tears were used to play the victim card, they were not for her. She will play clean.
Yes. She was a woman and a strong woman. She required no charity. She would make her way by sheer sincerity and tenacity.
She promised herself never to show her tears to ‘the’ others.
****
Knock Knock
“Aditi, You Okay ?” shouted Tanya from behind the door.
“Come in Tanya.”
Tanya looked concerned as she entered the washroom.
“I am glad you are fine. Come let’s leave from here and grab a cup of your favorite ginger tea.”
While sipping Tea, Tanya said softly to Aditi.
“Aditi, How on earth did you control yourself. You sat there during the entire duration without a change of expression. Had I been in your position I would have tried cried profusely.”
Aditi replied animatedly, “Tanya, as a team lead, I am solely responsible for the debacle. I took a decision and I stand by it. It is wrong to use tears to influence others. It is neither fair nor professional.”
“Aditi, what are you saying. Influencing others? Crying is a very natural process. It’s cathartic. It cleanses your soul. Its not some instrument to influence or manipulate others. I cry, because it’s very natural to me. It helps me acknowledge my feelings. It makes me accept. It makes me forgive. Crying liberates me Aditi and therefore I cry.”
“But but aren’t you …ashamed of not having control of on your tears in front of coworkers. Aren’t you afraid of appearing weak?”
Tanya thought for a moment and then spoke: “ Well, Women are more intuitive by nature. It’s a gift. We are driven by feelings and not by activities. We feel more. We express more. It’s strength. Not a weakness. Men have their own strengths and they wear it on their sleeves. Tell me Aditi, Why should I be ashamed of who I am ? My tears are as natural to me as…. as.. their body odor is to them. “
Aditi smiled, teary eye. This time she didn’t control her tears.
To cry or not to cry was always a question put by one woman and resolved by another.
