My manager called me on his desk for a quick discussion, a few minutes back.
It was about my appraisal. I got a decent increment and a great bonus. I thanked him and rose from the chair.
Instinctively, I picked up my phone and dialed 'his' number.
As the words "PAPA" flashed the screen, the reality stuck me again.
The same reality which strikes me each morning as I get up, and as I end my day and lie down to sleep.
My Papa is not there. He is no more.
He was the first person I would call up in case of any major or minor achievement or disappointment. Either ways, He would cheer me up.
To me, he was my Angel.
It's been a month.
But I still can't believe that this has happened to me.
It seems like a dream. A bad dream.
Sometimes I pretend it’s a dream.
I am just not waking up.
To think that I would not be able to hear his voice ever, hear him say "Charuji !" with such childlike enthusiasm like I was not his daughter but some celebrity, not be able to shake hands with him and not be able to see him smile, makes my heart go in pieces.
The last time I talked to him, I filled him with the news of winning one of the Toastmasters contests. He was so thrilled. He was eager to share some brilliant ideas for the short contest I was participating in. But I replied nonchalantly "Papa, we are meeting this weekend in any case. We will discuss in detail then."
He would often complain that I was so busy and that he was would retire soon, what would he do with so much Time ?
None of us knew, it was 'Time' indeed something that he didn’t have.
I and my father knew each other like only few people would. We understood each other intellectually and would often go into philosophical discourses about life, world and people in general. There was love and mutual respect.
But our relationship was not always so sorted.
In my childhood, he was more of a Tyrant than a father to me. My breaks were timed. I was not allowed to party. I was always made to study.
In 7th standard, I could crack the tough questions of Arithmetic Progressions, Permutation and Combination and Trigonometry.
It was all due to his hard work.
There was a reason why the movie Dangal is so close to my heart.
My father was the Dangal father.
Like the character of Aamir Khan, who decided to train his daughters after he saw there was something in them (they beat up boys who bad-mouthed them), my father saw something in me at one instance when he became in awe of my grasp on mathematics and decided that his girl should get into the ‘IIT’.
Unfortunately unlike the Dangal girls whose friend (going through child marriage) made them realize that their father was actually doing everything for their own good, I never reached that realization until I actually got into the IIT.
He put in his 150% efforts on me but my efforts were -25%. The net 125% were enough to get me admission into IIT albeit on a low rank.
Had I understood his vision, I would have supported him in his dream to have his daughter become the first girl to top IIT.
But alas, I hardly managed to get a seat.
I remember, Papa had once prepared a very elaborate question paper for me.
Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics. He did great deal of research and was lost in books for days altogether to prepare that practice test. He handed it over to me and asked me to work on it.
He forgot to specify the timeline for me to complete the paper as he usually did.
He was gone for a few days (I believe to invigilate UOR Entrance or the GATE exam). In his absence I had a field day.
When the CAT is away, the mice play.
That was me.
For over those three to four days, I studied absolutely nothing.
The first thing Papa asked after he got back from the trip was:
"Charu, How did you find the question paper ? "
A paper he had prepared with so much effort.
"I didn’t work on it. You didn’t specify the timeline." I said.
"You didn’t even start working on it?" Papa was angry.
And then, suddenly he was sad. He said with great emotion, "Charu, are you studying for me or for yourself ? Don’t you want to be someplace in life? A lot of IIT aspirants would have given their right arm to get an IIT Professor as their coach and look at you. You, seem to see it as burden. Have you no fire within you Charu? Only if you knew my journey, If only you knew how I used to wait for hours behind the door of the tutor's room, only so that he could help me with a handful of questions I couldn’t solve. We didn’t have money Charu, but our self-belief was high."
Later that day, I overheard him remark to my mother, "Shalini, What should we do with this girl. She lives in a dream world, lost in herself. If she does not study hard and become something how would she ever survive? She has no thirst, no passion to succeed. She studies mechanically, only to please me. Only if I die today, I know, she will study day and night to fulfill my dream."
That day, after hearing those words, I decided that I would cooperate with Papa. Not because it was important for me to get into IIT, but I understood how important it was to him.
There were times when I doubted my capabilities. I had once told him dejected, that I was not good enough.
'That's not true Charu. You are very special. Look at your palm, there is a gap between your life line and heart line. This means you are destined for greatness!" He had said.
(It was a ruse. At his funeral I met one of his old students and he said "Didi, your father was a great man. My son had a crooked arm and was low on confidence. But Sir looked at him and told him that children with slant arms are destined for greatness. Those words instilled confidence in him and now he is a PO in a govt. bank !")
Other times he told me that he was my "Jambavant", I was his "Hanuman".
Just like Jambavant made Hanuman aware of his hidden capabilities, post which he could cross the sea in one leap, I had hidden capabilities too and his purpose in life was to make me realize that. He often quoted stories from history and mythology to encourage me. I believe, he read a lot of material in his quest to motivate me.
"Every great person has a story of hardships. Do have a story Charu?" He had said.
Man, he did make his and mine life hard. I was supposed to study all the time, take 10 min break each hour and then continue again.
"The purpose of breaks is to help you freshen up to in order work even more. Always focus on your goal and what can help you reach there. A life without purpose or a goal is a life wasted."
His hard work paid off and I got admission to our dream college, his Alma matter, the IIT Roorkee in my fist attempt.
The days that succeeded were beautiful. My father was relaxed and I , …well I , got my fire to succeed. My self-esteem was high, I worked hard now not to please my father but for my own self-worth.
We were more like friends now. A friendship, which continued for years. We discussed movies, books, philosophy.
But my success was always special to him, no matter what.
He would readily take leaves and ride with me in rickety buses in hot summers, wait patiently for hours at exam centers, all to accompany me in the various tests that I took (Sun Java Certification, GRE, TOEFL, GMAT and later CAT). Not to mention the money he spent on me to help me undertake these fancy exams. Not once did he complain.
I remember there was an old CD of Hindi songs, he used to watch over and over. My mother often got irritated and asked him to break it.
He remarked good naturedly "If Charu gets placed in the upcoming campus interviews to a company of her choice. I will break these CDs."
And Lo! A day after my interview, after coming back from the placement cell where he had gone to enquire my result, the first thing he did was break his favorite packs of CDs. There were tears of joy in his eyes as well as my Mother's.
He took great pride in my achievements, the appraisals I received, the opportunities I received, my scores in various exams.
I remember that a day before my flight to US, he along with my mother and brother had come to see me off at Hotel Lalit , where I and my colleagues were put up. Before leaving, he shook hand with me and said proudly "Charu, you have become an 'Officer' , just like I always wished."
Those two and half years at US were so difficult without him. But our daily talks kept me going.
After coming back home, he was more than happy to get me married to the person of my choice.
Marriage brought new responsibilities and I was sometimes overwhelmed. I often discussed my situation with him and he always said "Leave all this Charu, and answer me a simple a question. How are the people in your family? Your In laws and husband. Are they good people?"
"Yes. They are very good people."
"Well, then there are no 'real' problem. You are very lucky Charu. Realize that. Nothing else matters."
My stint with writing and Toastmasters had brought us closer. He was always full of ideas for my speeches and stories.
Actually, he was always full of ideas about everything. He wanted to try new things, new ventures. He had once told me "I have this childlike enthusiasm Charu. Sometimes I run into trouble because of it. But this is what makes me come alive."
My father was a content man. He had spent over 33 years at IIT Roorkee, but was never very keen on promotions. While his colleagues were Dean and Directors in different institutes. My father was cool with his position in the Institute Computer Center as Asst Professor.
I had once discussed this with him and he said "I have no worries. I am a successful person Charu. And do you know what my greatest success is?"
And then he pointed to me.
I thought he was kidding. Only that he was quite serious. It was an emotional moment for us.
That day, I decided that I had to be a truly successful person for his sake. I also knew that success didn’t mean only professional success. It meant being a successful parent, wife, friend and a human being, who could make a positive difference in others' lives.
My father was not without flaws; he had a huge ego and would hardly ever accept his mistake in front of others. But with me he was his best version. No ego, no pretensions in front of me.
I was always more important to him than his own self. To him, I was the world.
As human beings, we all need to feel special about ourselves or else we would not be able to sustain a healthy relationship with others as well as our own selves. That is exactly why God made parents.
To others we are ordinary beings, running around in order to survive. To parents, we are the most special, akin to a gift of God.
Other people may give up on us. Our closest friends, life partner, may give up on us in certain situations. But our parents would never give up on us no matter what.
Not in their dreams would they think anything which is not for our own good.
But unfortunately the sentiment is not often reciprocated by their children. We take them "for granted" because we know that they are always there for us.
I wish I could change that.
I wish could have worked harder in engineering entrance exam. I wish I would have prepared for IAS instead of taking up a job. I wish my upcoming book of stories was launched earlier so that he could have proudly held the book in his hands.
I wish I could have told him that I loved him more often.
If you agree with my thoughts, please call up your parents for my sake and yours, and tell them how special they are. For those who are lucky enough to live with their parents in the same house go and give them a tight hug. For those who like me have lost a parent, I want to tell you that I am with you and am living with the same pain.
Death is an enigma.
Before my father's death if someone told me that they lost their parent. I would simply not know what to say. It was too deep a pain to comment upon. I couldn’t imagine that ever happen to me.
But it happened and it happened so suddenly.
One moment he was there and another he was gone.
When my mother took him hospital after he complained of chest pain, none of us knew he was never coming back. His laptop was open beside the side table. He was going through an article about “The death of Philosophy”. His medicines for the morning were neatly put in a container at the dining table. Everything was at its place. Only he wasn’t there.
His death has made me observe life closely.
People with us, will not remain with us forever.
We won't be here forever.
Death goes beyond all our plans.
My father was my support; I could always lean back on him. Now he's gone and my brother and mother seek my support. Death changes everything.
I have become closer to my brother more than ever. Our shared pain has brought us closer.
After Papa's death, people who we thought were our friends, found excuses, and at the same time, people from whom we expected nothing, had come forward to help us.
There are people who now mock Papa's 'exaggerated' plans and yet there are others who genuinely respect his vision.
To me his death is sorrow.
But to him it was physiological process.
I quote from his mail correspondence with me back in 2006 when I had joined my first company.
He had asked me which one of the two, soul or the body was eternal. He was not very satisfied with my response and replied in the below words.
" Charu, I may be wrong, but it’s my observation. Soul does not exist on its own.
The thing that doesn’t exist cannot be eternal. So you are right to little extent that soul and body are inseparable. For me body is eternal.
You have been a science student and you know it very well that body is composed of matter and matter can be converted in to energy. This implies body can never be destroyed and hence is eternal.
In fact the universe is composed of matter or energy (for me both are same as I have explained earlier). There is nothing like soul. Instead there is mind (which is of course part of the body) which has two kinds of memory cells. One of its kind is eternal it’s the one nature has given us. This kind of eternal memory cells (i.e. natural state of mind or to say natural thought) leaves false impression of being soul."
As a physicist he never believed in soul. He never went to a temple or any place of worship.
I once asked him why it was so. He had said "Charu, I believe in GOD. I just don’t believe in religion. To me nature is God. The Universe and its mystery is God."
I another mail correspondence he had said "Nature has bestowed on us perfectly everything that we require for a peaceful and prosperous life. Remember sorrow is akin to fear of death. Nature has made ordinary pain, bearable. So nature has provided a remedy for unbearable pain in form of death. "
With these words of his, I debate the futility of my sorrow. I know he is always there with me. Not in his human manifestation but in the energy and nature that surrounds me. He is there in the sunshine which keeps me warm and cozy. He is there is the soft breeze. He is there in the chirping of birds.
I love you Papa. I was lucky to have you as my father.
Towards, the end , I quote from the most beautiful poems on Death by Khalil Gibran, which I know would have resonated well with Papa.
" For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?"
